Discordian Picnic
& How To Make A Sigil Sandwich
As you know, we Discordians should stick apart. Therefore, why not call up some other Discordians long enough to enjoy a Discordian Picnic? The directions below are very important and meant to be deviated from.
Make sure that the ground covering is made out of something unappealing to have your skin against. Get out your needle and thread and sew some Brillo pads together. I find that sandpaper makes for a delicate scratching sensation, while KY covered plastic wrap leaves people feeling both slimy and violated.
Make plenty of bologna sandwiches. Bologna is constituted much the same as Hot Dogs, most Holy meat product, and the unnatural pink colour puts people in a festive mood. If bologna is unavailable, try to acquire some head cheese. Believe it or not 95% of people who like Head Cheese enjoy it! Make sure, though, that if you are offering head cheese, that you offer no other meat - it will only simplify things in a complicated way because everyone is gonna want head cheese. It's a crowd pleaser!
Make sure you offer up plenty of salad dressing options. No salad is necessary, though. When you put people out in nature, they want to try found food. People Will Want To Eat Grass!, and the salad dressing facilitates this desire.
Offer lots of mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, tartar sauce, oyster sauce, and other thick condiments for the sandwich. These can be used to draw sigils on the head cheese. When you ingest the sigil, you ingest it's magic - and if you don't melt you might reap the benefits of the whole thing. When making head cheese sigil sandwiches, you might want to draw sigils relative to mental abilities (head) and coagulation and mold (cheese).
Have warm grapefruit juice available as beverage. In a recent poll I took with 80% of my imaginary friends, 52% said grapefruit juice naturally compliments head cheese. Grapefruit juice is to head cheese what red wine is to Italian food. If you can't get a hold of grapefruit juice, just have empty glasses available. People Will Want To Drink Pond Water! Another one of those found food fetishes.
If the picnic is to be held on a Friday, offer hot dogs. It is the duty of the host to make sure that everyone has communion available.
For desert, it would only appropriate to make a golden apple pie. It's best to serve it by saying 'Will the prettiest person here please come and get the first piece of pie!' This greatly pleases the Sacred Cow, who will have already been greatly offended by the head cheese.
Offer dancing as an activity. I suggest playing The Conet Project for something catchy to dance to.
To really throw some Erisian flare into the whole thing, make sure that scattered rain showers are in the forecast. Tornado warnings might seem like the better option to look for, but 4 out of 2 times people won't attend if there is a chance their hair is gonna get messed up in the wind.
These rules are pretty solid, but also a little watery, with a little phlegm. The main thing to remember is that if you see a Buddha at a Discordian Picnic, He's allergic to grapefruit juice.
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